(Author’s Note: Nothing major to report. Just working like I normally do. Enjoy today’s fictioneers, because I think it’s a good one.)
by Miles H. Rost
“It’s been nearly 15 years, Rachel.”
“Since I’ve been on a date like this.”
“The last time you were on a rooftop, watching fireworks and drinking mojitos?”
Charles looked at Rachel with a wan smile.
Rachel’s eyes crinkled, looking deep into his face.
They both scooted closer to each other, her head resting on his shoulder.
“The difference this time is that I’m not in the middle of a war zone.”
Rachel sighed, her displeasure obvious.
“Does it bother you?”
“Nah. I just miss Kandahar. But, I know I’m safe with my big Marine.”
He smiled, watching the fireworks go off.
I think if you’d ever been in a war. a firework is always a reminder.
Hope the marine looks after her!
I chose a followed a similar association with the fireworks and conflict. Your dialogue is short and reads smoothly, but by the end I was not completely sure who was talking. At first I thought she was the Marine, but having re-read it, I’m not so sure? I also really struggled with the line where she was “looking deep into his face.” I know what you’re going for, but an editor friend of mine would be hopping up and down that you can’t look deep into someone’s face, unless you’re peering down wrinkles or something. That being said, I liked the back-and-forth between the characters. You developed a nice, easy rapport between Rachel and Charles in very few words.
Happy trails! 🙂